My Daddy

It's late and I should be sleeping. But I can't sleep. I am lost somewhere between a fog of disbelief and a nightmare of reality. I think most girls see their daddy as a superhuman- indestructible, invincible and immortal. My daddy is a superhero. Tonight my mind is flooding with thoughts, memories and sounds while he lays in a hospital bed in Beaumont Texas. My mom took him to the ER this afternoon because he has had chest pains, presumably since Saturday. He was quickly admitted to the ICU because it was indeed a heart attack. Several, actually. Tests show that only one artery is pumping blood to his heart and he is not a candidate for surgery. The doctors are giving him medications to keep him comfortable and he will stay there for a few days. Then...we'll see. Johnny is scheduled to work all weekend. The girls aren't out of school for the summer until next Thursday. But, they'll all miss tomorrow so we can go be with my family. Johnny may have to come home to work Saturday...who knows what will happen? My sisters and brother are coming in too. 

When Johnny explained what was happening to Paw-paw to our kids, they all cried. It wasn't two weeks ago that he was here with my mom and Marianne and Ethan. They came to pick up some furniture they bought from the SFA dorms to put in the Davilla house. Their dream house. My dad built it back in 1992. Samuel and Bryn loved playing with Paw-paw Ivan that day.

I feel like part of me is dying. It's a dark cloud hanging over me and no matter what I do or where I go, it's lingering in the back of my mind, like there's no escape. I felt this way when my brother Travis died. I dreamed about it that night. I saw people in my dream and I felt like I had to tell them about Travis- like they needed to know. That dream made it seem even more real, so when I woke up I felt sick. There's nothing worse than waking up to find your nightmare is actually reality. I guess that's why I don't want to go to sleep tonight. I'm afraid of what I'll dream and what I'll wake up to.

Someday, probably in the near future, I will re-read this post and roll my eyes because of how dramatic I'm making everything. But these are my thoughts and feelings tonight and this is like my journal. So...it is what it is.

We'll leave in the morning. I'm praying we'll get lots of visiting time with daddy before Johnny has to get back for work, and that our kids will too.

Thankfully we still have time with my dad. I'd like to share some of my favorite memories of him and things you may not know about him. 

When I was around 3 or 4 I had eczema behind my knees. My skin hurt so bad there I would cry. I remember one Saturday (I assume it was Saturday because everyone was home, but it could've just been summertime). My dad put medicine on my cracked skin and dried my tears. He held me in his lap for a long time. My mom brought him his sandwich- white bread, mayonnaise, ham and cheese- and he ate while he rocked me.

When we were little, and his eyesight was still good, we loved to wrestle with him on the floor. He tickled us until we threatened to wet our pants. Wevwould all clobber him in a pile, it was called Dogpile on Daddy.

I have frozen memories of just watching him. In Davilla we had an above-ground pool. We spent summer afternoons there and my dad would be out working with the cows, chickens, goat, dogs, etc. On many occasions he would come over to the pool, lean over the side, and dunk his head in to cool off. I'm not sure why that stuck with me but I remember watching him in awe.

He was our seminary teacher. We had early morning seminary in our living room. I remember watching him prepare the night before. He had a big marker board and large print scriptures. He knew his stuff too. (Still does know his stuff!)

He LOVES the song Small Town Saturday Night by Hal Ketchum. He had one of my sisters make a cassette tape with that song recorded back to back on both sides of the tape so he wouldn't have to rewind it and he could play it as much as he wanted. He would put it on and dance with my mom, or any of us, in the living room. His way of dancing- since he couldn't see well (and I think to be funny)- was to stand in one spot and shuffle his feet a little and move your hand really fast up and down while he held it and had his arm around you. (I hope I described that ok.)

He used to have all us kids help him work in the yard or barn or garage. Then he'd take us to Hetzel's, a little convenient store, to each pick out our very own soda. I usually got a Sunkist. (Gross. I wouldn't touch the stuff now, thanks to the glucose tests.) Oh! On the way to Hetzel's, he let us ride down the highway in the back of the pickup.

In Davilla he wore a cowboy hat and boots. One year we had someone come bail the hay into square bails. I drove the truck around the pasture while he road on the trailer and hopped off to load each bail. He was so hot and sweaty and we needed to beat the rain that was coming and it was getting dark. I drove the truck into the barn and helped him unload it all. I felt needed and proud of myself- I was a girl and I helped my dad do something hard- manual labor! Something I'm sure even my brothers would've been impressed with! (Can you tell I'm still proud of that?!) I loved that time with my dad, even then I knew it was a memory I would cherish.

He LOVES blackberry cobbler and Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla ice cream. He loves almost any Blue Bell. He loves Cheetos like no one else! And his all-time favorite candy bar is Snickers. He loves John Wayne movies, classic cars, Corvettes, Davilla, his kids, his grand kids, and, most importantly and especially, my mom. He gets giddy when it's Mother's Day, her birthday and Christmas. He always, ALWAYS makes Christmas big. He gets over-the-top excited to surprise my mom with a gift, or several.

There are too many special moments/memories to share. But I want my kids to know these for sure, so I'm glad I've recorded them here. I love my daddy and always will. I look forward to seeing him tomorrow, er, today, now that it's almost 1 o'clock in the morning. That means today is Marianne's birthday! Happy birthday sweet, beautiful Marianne! Love you so much! Xoxo